Bachelor #3

Cast of Players:
CONTESTANT, a young bachelorette (dressed as Mary Magdalene, concubine)
BACHELOR #3, a cocky young male (poss. dressed as Jesus the Nazarene, age 33 1/3)
GAME SHOW HOST, mid 40’s white male (cross between Messrs. Wink Martindale/ Alex Trebek/ Chuck Woolery/ Pat Sajak)
AUDIENCE, the “chorus,” a Y2K family at home dressed in sweatsuits
BACHELORS #1 and #2, done up like Barrabas and the other guy.

Settings:
Game Show: Calvary Studios, Burbank, year 2000 or 2033 1/3, taping an MTV Dating Game show.
Audience: Kitchen of Y2K family, watching TV

CONTESTANT
Bachelor #3, maybe you’re right for me? Better than #2?

BACHELOR #3
Contestant, my source of pride is I’m point-oh-nine microns wide, and built RAM tough! with racing trim! I’m one-tenth micron more than him!

CONTESTANT
Bachelor #3, rape me! A sight to see! Make me your bride-to-be!

BACHELOR #3
Well, I’m the first in history to be the follower of ME! See, my strengths count while his are void. In time I’ll have his kind destroyed!

GAME SHOW HOST
(disgusted, to Bachelor #3 off-camera during commercial)
5 million cameras testify to truths your stubborn heads defy: Your blips leave little resonance. Your actions have no consequence. Your opinions have no weight beyond the air your pierced tongue spits them on! Soon you’ll join us, with your father, in a chorus of “Why Bother?”

AUDIENCE
(during same commercial, enamored with Bachelor #3’s cockiness)
That #3 will only love his shadow! So loud and brash he’ll sure be double-plus good! Kids, turn him up, yeah! Violences assert you, or something like that. Honey, pass the tastebuds.

CONTESTANT (flashback and flash-forward)
Daddy says it’s time to see who could be the match for me. And in my dream home, #3 is plugging in my screen. The picture’s so pristine, like our happy family.

AUDIENCE
That #3’s the promise of new breed! He’ll caulk her hairlines, make us wanna breed rich! Kids, can’t you listen, stop biting each other, stop screaming! Honey, can’t we change the channel?!

(channel is changed to VH-1 Behind the Music w/Mssr. Frampton)

CONTESTANT
Daddy says it’s time to see who could be the man for me. And in my dream home Mr. 3 is on ev’ry magazine with his teeth and hair so clean. We’re one happy fat machine. Bachelor #3! Bachelor #3! Bachelor #3!